Portrait on the Mantel

Child centered families create anxious exhausted parents and demanding entitled kids.  Schools are overwhelmed by children’s special needs and a spirit of community is draining from our neighborhoods.

If we focus on our marriages instead of our children, we can create healthy families and raise tomorrow’s leaders.

Today, I see more kids acting out, more parents turning to medication and more single parents in serious financial difficulty.

The intact family is an endangered species.  The odds a marriage will eventually end in divorce, according to studies at the John Gottman Institute are cause for concern.  For example, a couple married in 1950 had only a 30% chance of divorce and couples married in 1970 had a 50% chance of splitting.  But a 1990 marriage has a 67% chance of divorce and the divorce rate continues to climb.

There are many subtle ways we avoid our spouses every day.  Our distancing behaviors may include staying at work late, or switching on the TV or making our children the center of our universe.

Most of us would never dream that putting our children before our marriage could be a flight response.  We often believe we just don’t have time for our spouse.  But the truth is, we often feel more love for our kids than for our spouse.  When 2 parents drift apart from each other, often 1 parent will drift closer to the kids.

We parents convince ourselves that putting our kids first is child friendly but we make 2 main mistakes by doing so.

1. It becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child’s character so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way.  Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior.
2. We put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out.  This draws even more attention to the problem, as parents anxiously seek a diagnosis and physicians increasingly rely on medicating children.  What had been a molehill suddenly becomes a mountain, creating a self fulfilling prophecy that can cripple the child’s development and the future of our citizenry.

There are 3 keys to a successful marriage and family:

1. Recognize that we’ve already chosen the perfect spouse.  No we would NOT choose better next time;
2. Recognize how often our fight or flight instinct overrides our passion in marriage.  To create a happy marriage, we need to go from the fantasy, “It’s his/her fault that I’m unhappy” to the truth, “I wouldn’t do any better in my next marriage, so I might as well give 100% to this one;”
3. Recognize that if we build a great marriage, we create a great role model for our kids and they learn self reliance and cooperation in the process.

As long as you believe your life is your spouse’s fault, a new partner will always seem attractive.  But once you begin to see your role in the ongoing, lifelong problems of your marriage, you’ll recognize that if you started over with a new partner tomorrow, you’d still be carrying all your personal baggage into that relationship.

And that’s where accepting our spouse creates a positive chain reaction.  Commitment forces us to be more forgiving because we have given ourselves no choice but to work things out.  It also forces us to be more outspoken and negotiate a relationship we can live with.

Thus, we can accept arguments as the natural storms they are, rather than as a harbinger of divorce.  A nun once told me that marriage is like tying 2 donkeys together at the neck: All that rubbing together irritates the burrs on their flanks, but over the years those burrs eventually rub off.

In the end, the greatest gift we can give our kids is to become citizens of honor and loyalty in our own marriages.  That way, our kids can grow up with a model of what marriage can be.  The second bonus is that when kids are no longer the center of the family, they can learn self reliance and cooperation and become citizens instead of consumers.

Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage.  Then the rest falls into place.

by David Code, an Episcopal Minister, Family Coach and founder of the Center of Staying Married & Raising Great Kids.

Posted under Mental Health | No Comments »

In Part 1, I used an example of a CEO as an oppressor because he or she lay off several 100 workers as opposed to reducing his or her pay by a few percentage points.  I’d like to add some clarity to that point.

In 1980 the average CEO earned 42 times that of the average worker, 107 times that of the average worker in 1990 and 525 times that of the average worker in 2000.  However, by 2007 the average CEO’s pay dropped to 364 times that of the average worker.

Of course, the argument goes something like; if you want the best you have to pay the price.  Well unlike the average worker who is blamed for down turns in the economy, which is why he or she must lose their jobs.  CEO’s don’t seem to be affected, their pay, in many cases, increases if their companies do worse.  This is amazing when you consider some or most of their pay is tied to share price.  I guess another argument would be that they need a lot of money because they spend a lot of money (Patrick Ewing).

You don’t have to agree; conversely you might observe the self preservation taking place.  When workers are laid off, the market generally react favorably by increasing shareholder wealth.  At one point in the late 80s and throughout the 90s laying off workers was viewed as a necessary move for any incoming CEO.  As if the average worker, most of which held zero shares of stock of the company they work for, shared blame with those decision making shareholders that caused share price to drop.

Years ago my wife and I conducted seminars on health, fitness and nutrition.  Most of the attendees were middle to upper middle class women.  One of the re occurring conversations we would have center on the psychological reason women gained weight.  This conversation occurred so often we made it part of our workshop.  My wife having a psychology degree helped create the dialogue, it became apparent to us that one of the main symptoms of weight gain for women dealt with self esteem.

You might say “duh!“

We were surprised to discover the root cause of this lack of esteem.  It revolved around SEX.  Younger women view their sexual selves differently from older women.  This isn’t good or bad, it’s just differently.  The problem resides with self interpretation.  If you’re interested in reading more about this type of information do a search for author Mary Pipher who wrote books like “Reviving Ophelia.”

Essentially, women as they age feel less attractive or they’re exhausted from the barrage of sexual attention and in both cases the result is weight gain.

Every one of us likes to be appreciated.  Appreciated for wheat we’re able to do, what we’re capable of doing, how we move, how we think etc.  In America, women are terrorized daily with images of how they should look.  Women are reduced to what we see.

Is a woman’s only worth based on her appearance?  This is and has been of extreme contention for women for decades and decades.  While women see their stock rise based on their appearance, they see and experience the opposite occurring with regard to how intelligent they are and what they’re able and capable of doing.

As a woman ages her status in what Dr. Pipher calls the “lookism society” diminishes.  This diminishing status increases with each decades she lives past her mid 20s until she become invisible.

What happens to a woman in her 40s, 50s and 60s and so on?  Of course nobody wants to know and nobody cares, right?  Truth is women in their 40s, 50s and 60 care.

So called “Madison Avenue” spend billion’s of dollars marketing products to teens, 20 something and even 30 something female buyers and generally depict these buyer with accurate buying attitudes, but lack credible images of models and/or actresses.  Most images are skewed toward younger, thinner and attractive images.  Hollywood and the music industry are also culpable in the Great Deception.

The Great Deception: only female models, actresses or performers who fit a certain body type and/or that have a certain look can sell products.  The underlying message, this is what a women should look like.  But what happens to the 99% of women who don’t fit the marketed images?

This results in women feeling less than adequate.  Tall slender white women are preferred over women of other proportions.  Women of color are left out to greater degrees than white women.  Women of color are usually shown an even narrower spectrum of images to strive toward than women who are white.  Blondes are treated differently from say brunettes and red heads.  Short women have as much difficulties as short men.  Oh and the stigmatism of weight is extremely harsh.

When a woman is young she may strive to meet the expected images of the day, however, as she ages, she develops a different set of priorities.  Lookism isn’t as important, she wants to be judged by what she’s able to do as oppose to her hair style or make up.  However, “Madison Avenue” priorities do not change.  They’re still in the business of employing a certain type of look, which they believe sells.

And it is this contrast which creates the spiraling esteem of women.  Because of this pressure women are ever present of both existences; the pressure of “lookism” with the need to be appreciated for their abilities.

This duality cannot be taken lightly because it pervades every aspect of a woman’s life.  Eventually, she can become to resent the attention of the attention, or lack there of as is the case for women over 50, that it imposes on her life.

Many women have told me they are so happy to be rid of the entire ordeal, which occurs when they put on weight.  However, even in this moment of realization they are uniquely aware of the continual external terrorism and internal torment which ensues because of the external expectation of what a woman is suppose to look like.

In Part III, we’ll delve more deeply into the different aspects of Victimization.

Posted under Social Health | No Comments »

These are excerpts from Discover Magazine June issue “The Body”:

• A 150 lb man who completes an active jump (jumping off the ground and landing) creates 1,500 lbs of pressure on the thigh bone.
• A ping pong ball can travel at speeds of up to 50 mph and spin as fast as 9,000 rpm.
• Bones can withstand 40 times as much force as concrete and well kicked foot can absorb roughly 2,000 times as much force as concrete before breaking.

submitting by K Benson

Posted under Physical Health | No Comments »

In the United States anybody can be president.  That’s the problem.

The caterpillar does all the work; the butterfly gets all the publicity.

If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

They say only 10% of the brain’s function is known.  Apparently, the function of the remaining 90% is to keep us from discovering its function.

Everywhere you look, there are families with too many vehicles.  You see them on the highways in their RV’s.  But apparently the RVs aren’t enough because behind them they’re towing motorboats, go carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, jet skis, snowmobiles, parasail’s, hang gliders and hot air balloons.  The only thing these people lack is lunar excursion modules.  Doesn’t anybody take a walk anymore?

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

It used to be you got a tattoo because you wanted to be one of the few people who had a tattoo.  Now you get a tattoo because you don’t want to be one of the few people who don’t have a tattoo.

Ever wonder about people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backward.

Posted under Social Health | No Comments »

General Motors recently announced it will conduct an audit to determine whether hourly workers dependents enrolled in the automaker’s health plans are eligible for coverage, the Detroit Free Press reports.

GM is attempting to reduce the $4.6 billion it spends annually on health care by removing ineligible dependents.  Workers who are found to have received medical benefits for ineligible dependents might be required to reimburse the company.

Be careful this could be coming to a company to near you.

Posted under Family Economics | No Comments »

According to a National Association of Insurance Commissioners survey reported in the San Francisco Chronicle; 22% of US residents have reduced the number of times they visit their physician because of the current economic climate.

A poll of 686 consumers; 11% said they had reduced the amount of prescription drugs they take or the dosage of these meds to make them last longer.  The poll found that 85% report they have not made any change to their medical insurance policies, while 2% have cancelled their coverage all together.

Over the past several years, Americans are paying more of their medical costs, primarily due to employers requiring employees to pay a greater percentage of their insurance premiums and co-pays, or they reduce benefits.

Posted under Family Economics | No Comments »

The future will be better tomorrow… Dan Quayle

The average pencil is 7 inches long, with just a 1/2 inch eraser; in case you thought optimism was dead…. Robert Brault

Optimist: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery… Walter Winchell

If you can’t be happy where you are, it’s a cinch you can’t be happy where you ain’t… Charles Jones

An optimist is a man who has never had much experience… Don Marquis

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist… Elbert Hubbard

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists… Jean Rostand

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he’ll feel worse when he feels better… Anonymous

Posted under Social Health | No Comments »

A new study reveals what I’ve known for many years; that you can be thin and be at risk for a heart attack or be overweight and healthy.  About half of overweight people have normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, while an equally high number of skinny people suffer from some type of illness associated with obesity.

The study show that stereotypes about SIZE can be misleading, said MaryFran Sowers, a University of Michigan obesity researcher.

“We’re really talking about taking a look with a very different lens” at weight and health risks, Sowers said.

There is growing debate about the accuracy of the standard method of calculating whether someone is overweight.  Health officials rely on the body mass index (BMI), a weight-height ratio that does not distinguish between fat and lean tissue.  The limits of that method were highlighted a few years ago when it was reported that the system would put nearly half of NBA players in the overweight category.

A number of experts say waist size is a more accurate way of determining someone’s health risks and the study results support that argument.

Study co-author Judith Wylie-Rosett emphasized that the study should not send the message “that we don’t need to worry about weight.”  That’s because half of overweight people do face elevated risks for heart disease, explained Wylie-Rosett, a nutrition researcher at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

The new study, appearing in Monday’s Archives of Internal Medicine used government surveys from 1999 to 2004 that included lab tests and height and weight measurements.  Participants reported on habits including smoking and physical activity.

In all weight categories, risk factors for heart problems were generally more common in older people, smokers and inactive people.  Among obese people who were 50 to 64, just 205 were considered healthy compared with half of younger obese people.

The results underscore how important exercise is for staying healthy, even for people of healthy weight, Wylie-Rosett said.

by Lindsey Tanner

Posted under Physical Health | No Comments »

Posted under Social Health | No Comments »

It is known that as we age we lose muscle, our immune system weaken because of a weaken immune system we are more susceptible to diseases like cancer.  Consequently, as we age we lose our ability to fight germs.  We must make white blood cells and proteins (antibodies) which kill these germs (antibodies).

Because we lose muscle, which are made of proteins when we lose muscles we lose our protein stores.  This lost of muscle makes it difficult to fight germs.

A lack of physical activity causes muscles to atrophy.  Therefore aging people take longer to recover from activity.  When we exercise at any age muscles incur micro tears, we become fatigued and/or develop soreness due to activity; as we age it takes us longer to recover.  Because of this many people resist physical activity and do less exercise to avoid these by products of activity.  Conversely, we should continue to exercise to maintain our muscle mass.

We need our muscles (protein stores), which house these antibodies to control major diseases and boost our immune systems.  Everyday our bodies make millions of cancer cells.  Our white blood cells and protein antibodies are necessary to flush out and kill these cancer cells.  Having larger muscles gives us the source of protein antibodies we need to fight cancer cells as well as other germs.

by Dr Gabe Mirkins

Posted under Physical Health | No Comments »